I've been threatening to do a bag history lesson for a while, but I wanted to make sure I had the photographic evidence lined up first. To that end, notice the changes in our banner above. There is now a new rules page, navigation, links to our older sites and .... voila! Our new photo gallery!
In the gallery are the never-before-seen pics from the 2004 and 2007 payoffs, which for one reason or another were never posted. Our bag alumni - F. Shawn, Colin, Boe-Boe, Jason and Ryan - are all featured, and for those of you who have accompanied us on a payoff at one time or another, I think you'll find some pics that you have absolutely no recollection of. We certainly did.
Using the "Show Sidebar" link on any gallery page, you can rate a picture, comment on it, order prints from Shutterfly or view the album as a slideshow. You know you want that picture of Randie with the pizza sauce all over himself, or the one of me with the tiger-striped Raiders face paint!
And now, the long-awaited......
In the end, I was the big winner. Shawn was the jersey boy, and Detroit was his worst team... so he alertly found a promo on the Lions' site where you could buy a game-worn jersey for only $50. The catch was that you didn't get to pick who's jersey it was, OR the size. Of course Shawn not only got a wide receiver (and thus a very small jersey), but he happened to get former Gator Jacquez Green - check out the fit on that bad boy...
Colin was the paint facer. I think Colin won the prize for 2003 by not only working some awesome face paint, but for the custom-made shirt. In case you can't read it, it says HOUSTON LET ME DOWN:
The payoff that night began at No Idea, then moved on to 119 on Irving, then continued East towards Alphabet City. At some point Jason came across a couch cushion, which he inexplicably decided to carry for a couple of blocks. Eventually we all just decided to take a break and relax...
Randie wore the bag that night. He did an admirable job too. Eventually we ended up on Avenue B at Korova Milk Bar (R.I.P.), famous for its "Redneck Special" - a Rolling Rock and a shot of Jack Daniels for $5. Predictably, at this point the night started to fall apart. Colin was trying to fight random people who were only sometimes real, and Shawn was drooling on himself. I found out later that Julie, bless her soul, ushered them out into the night quietly without saying goodbye to avoid the harassment. Nice work.
Meanwhile, Randie decided to go outside for a smoke break, and I guess he felt like he needed to rest a little...
I, of course, won the bet and was the Overlord. One thing this bet has taught me is that when you win, you get the most drunk, because you do shots with EVERYBODY. Well, I vaguely recall going outside to look for Shawn and Colin, not finding them and coming back in... and I guess I felt like I needed a little rest as well...
Yeah, that's me passed out in the bar. Mission accomplished.
WRITE-UP QUOTE OF THE SEASON: "There are oodles of other scenarios with 4 weeks left, but I'd say randie is basically locked up in the cinch sack. Dude, my best advice would be to make lots of air holes and to watch out when you take your first piss of the evening...remember, gravity makes water drain down...watch for spillage." - F. Shawn
In 2004, we did the first of our "themed" bag sites. After much discussion, we settled on Battlestar Galactica, and Randie did a fine job on the design. See if you can find the Easter egg on the homepage! (Hint: Click on the banner. I know anyone reading this is too retarded to actually find it on their own.) 2004 was a season of fantastic write-ups (go back and read some, they're quality), and featured bag staples Houston, Detroit and Cleveland, among others. Almost every season, at least one of the bag teams makes the playoffs, but Shawn broke the bank with Atlanta and San Diego, who combined for a whopping 23 wins (still a bag record). The Jets carried Randie into Jersey Boy status, and I limped home with a piss-poor 12 wins (Arizona and Detroit in the same season - shudder). Colin, however, was the ultimate loser - Cleveland and the Giants combined to give him a measly 10 wins and a trip to Heftyville.
Shawn's 2004 payoff bar crawl began at 3rd and Long, an NYC staple for the football watching crowd. It didn't take long for Colin's nutsack to begin leaking uncontrollably...
From there we moved on to Pinetree Lodge. Like a good Overlord, Shawn introduced payoff swag that year in the form of custom-made beer coozies that included our URL and the final standings. Nice work F. Shawn!
As you can see in the pic above, we'd moved on for some PBRs at Whiskey River. Things started to get ugly at that point. None of us can remember why Randie turned his jersey inside out, but as you can tell by the look on Nettie's face, we were obviously getting more and more obnoxious as the night went on....
Colin and Shawn dropped off soon after that. I think Julie saved the day again on that one. Things were definitely ugly - just look at my face paint (and Ryan Crane - as he would say, "JEEEEEZ!!!"):
WRITE-UP QUOTE OF THE SEASON: "F. Shawn's Falcons are chugging along like his Chiefs of yesteryear. Their wins are like fallen nuts that he is pouching away in his squirrelly cheeks. Lenny walks away from the television thinking, it was so close, but acknowledging that his team outperformed his expectations; he looks into the mirror, caressing his beard with his right hand, dented beer can in his left. "Should I shave?" He asks himself under his breath. "No. The Overlord will not shave today." His eyes still fixed on the mirror, now fall on his midsection. The Raiders jersey is wider than it was last year; this seems to be an ongoing issue. He focuses one last time, sucks in his stomach and lets it out with a deep sigh. Looking away he heads towards the kitchen for another frosty beer." - Colin
Ed. note: Some things never change, I guess. 2003 was the last time I grew a beard. And the jersey is wider still these days.
We went with a pirate theme in 2005. Arrrrr! It's drivin' me nutz! We also added a couple of new rules - I'll let Shawn's pirate voice explain those:
- First Mate (Jersey boy) must carry a football (a la "the Program") for the payoff. If anyone from our group be able to knock it out of his hands, the Jersey Boy must either do a shot or buy the scoundrel who knocked it from his hands a drink.
- All good pirates must wear an NFL jersey on payoff day. Overlord, Paint-Facer, and BagBoy can choose their own. Ye Jersey Boy will be forced into his worst team as usual.
Let's just say that the "football rule" turned out to be very, very popular. Dangle a football in front of a bunch of drunks - and tell them they can get a shot out of it if they can knock it out of someone's hands - and the results are guaranteed to get ugly. The downside to all of this is that the football carrier gets loaded MUCH earlier than he normally would, leading to the vicious spiral of him being lazier and lazier with the ball... all that adds up to Colin not making it very far that night.
Ultimately, Randie ended up a single win short of tying Shawn's bag bet-record with 22 wins as both Chicago and Tampa Bay made the playoffs with 11-5 records. In a perverse twist of fate, Colin came in second on the strength of his favorite team, the Washington Foreskins, and their 10-6 record. I was third, with Randie's Dolphins and their 9-7 leading the way. To round out the perversion, my Raiders handcuffed Shawn, and he finished with an abysmal (and then-record) 8 wins.
We ended up losing Colin after 2005. He was unable to keep up with our stringent demands and started missing write-ups - an inexcusable failure for a bag contestant. In his stead, we welcomed Boe-Boe Bendler (that's Joe's codename) for 2006, and created the "new guy" rule - new guys are required to wear Wonder Bread bags on their feet for the payoff. Don't ask how we came up with this.
Since we got ready at Randie's place, the payoff was a downtown affair. I was face-painting Tennessee, and kept up the tradition with some fantastic temporary tatoos:
Colin's final failure as a bag contestant was not wearing a jersey out for the payoff. FAIL! Here he is, clutching that football with all his might:
The night got ugly, quickly. The aforementioned football rule made things crazy. I remember being at Racoon Lodge when someone came up from behind Colin and punched the ball out, knocking it into the paraphernalia behind the bar, and Vinny the bartender getting very upset about it. You don't like it when Vinny is upset. Still, a good time was had by all, and many virtual deer were shot while pounding PBRs and Jameson shots. To wit:
I know we ended up at the Patriot, but things are fuzzy after that for me. This pic really says it all:
WRITE-UP QUOTE(S) OF THE SEASON: "I've read stories about Colin's kids tag teaming Shawn's nuts but I didn't expect Colin to get in on the action." - Randie
HONORABLE MENTION: In my
Week 3 write-up, I did the recaps in Haiku. I was pretty proud of myself.
By far the best and most popular theme we ever did was 2006's Iron Maiden site. Maiden lyrics made their way into the write-ups constantly, much to Joe's chagrin since he inexplicably never got into Maiden as a kid and therefore had no idea what any of us were talking about. 2006 was also our first full season as a blog. Even though being a "blogger" made me want to kill myself, the format really works well for what we're doing.
In 2005 I'd made the mistake of drafting a team I hate (the Dolphins). In 2006, I drafted the team I love... which was an even bigger mistake. The Raiders were awful, winning only 2 games that season, and even though Houston got 6 wins to keep me from setting the all-time futility record (yet), I was relegated to my first bag-wearing experience ever. I didn't do a very good job of it either, but more on that later.
Even though the Saints were a surprise 10-win team, the Cleveland Shitstains ensured Shawn would be the Paint Facer in 2006. He looked totally dog-pounderriffic, with his orange face and white and brown stripe down the middle. Shawn's 3rd place finish meant that Randie is the only long-time bag contestant to avoid face-painting... a fact I'm sure he's very proud of.
Randie edged out Joe for the overlord spot. In the pic above, you see Joe wearing a Wonder Bread bag on one hand while carrying the football in the other. Curious! He's also wearing a Jets jersey, but ... the Jets were Randie's bag team that year. Curiouser and curiouser! Yes, I'm talking about Jerseygate 2006 - Attack of the Joe. In tonight's episode, Joe waits until payoff day to try to go out and buy a 49ers jersey in NYC, because, you know, ordering it off the Internet would have been too easy. Then he calls all of us to cry about how impossible it was to find one, and ends up with that silly Curtis Martin swag he's got on above. Boooo Joe, boooo. You FAIL.
The payoff started at Lorelei off Bowery, and it was a warm day. I had planned big things, thinking all this nonsense about how hard it is to wear the bag was just that. Let's just say I was wrong. Randie's always talking about face-painting being worse than wearing the bag, but after having done both, I disagree - vehemently. We weren't in the bar for 30 minutes before this happened:
YUCK. (BTW, notice the garbage bag full of coozies in the background. Get it? Garbage bag? Nice touch Randie).
After Lorelei we moved on to Motor City. By this point, the football was literally flying all over the place (Joe was getting peppered by everyone in sight, including me). Shawn's wife Julie, Garbage Bag veteran that she is, was slipping me glasses of water between beers and shots, and I felt pretty good, if itchy. Classic false sense of security.
(NOTE: The coozies say "I heart Garbage." Heh.)
We moved on to Mars Bar next. Mars is one of the shittiest dives in all of Manhattan, and has the undisputed nastiest "bathrooms" in the City - they're really nothing more than glorified holes in the floor. Mars also has cheap beer and shots, and as such I love the place. It was crowded, but even we didn't stick out in that shithole. Good times.
Eventually we made our way to another one of NYC's best (and cheapest) dives, Blue and Gold. Any place you can get a Macallan for $4 is pretty awesome in my book. Unfortunately, Blue and Gold was my last stop, even though I didn't know it when I walked in. You see, as is typical with me, I was fine one minute...
...and the next minute, bam! Complete and utter blackout.
I am famous for what's known as "pulling a Lenny" - basically, a hocus-pocus and then auto-pilot trip home. I never remember these, never say goodbye to anyone, but always make it home, sometimes even carrying whatever drink I last had at the bar. This particular case was somewhat more disturbing than usual, because "Big Head" Russ was staying at my apartment that weekend, and I left him at the bar too. Worse, I got home and ripped off all my clothes, as well as the bag, and according to my poor wife Nettie, wandered around the apartment, naked and rambling incoherently for the next hour. Fortunately, she was able to get me into bed before Russ got back and saw more than he wanted to.
So, I fail as an Overlord and I fail as a bagman. What can I say? Failure is in my blood.
WRITE-UP QUOTE OF THE SEASON: Sorry, but I'm giving this one to myself.
I Am The Trooper
You'll get two wins, but I'll get two too
Jets beat the Lions but the Cardinals blew
So while you're writing up the weekly recap
Remember how close you are to the cinch-sack
The gunshot sounds, the games begin
Even when my teams are good I still can't win
Although the Texans didn't let me down
For me the Dolphins make that crinkly sound
[Chorus]
The battle heats up, quickly three are tied
The next week's bag games will push one aside
And as we race towards the season's apex
We feel the drawstrings tighten around our necks
We hurdle bag teams from past bets gone by
And yet some of them refuse to die
The Raiders, long gone like Chris Simms' spleen
Hey, at least they won't go 0-16
[Chorus]
Soon the end will come and one will reign
Yet another will feel the chafing pain
A third will take "Carry the Rock" to whole new levels
While the last endures endless chants of "Go Devils!"
And me I must avoid the dubious fate
Of being the first loser to not make eight
For as I lay forgotten and alone
I'm left to wonder For Whom the Bag Will Toll?
HONORABLE MENTION: "Day after day I'd wake up, check to make sure I actually closed the door to my apartment before passing out the night before, and ask myself, "Did I exhibit enough stupidity last night? Did I do or say anything that could possibly be used as ammunition against me later in life? Did I end the night by leading a chorus of "Artie Mueller" while performing the one-legged Jim Carrey dance?" - Joe
HONORABLE MENTION PART II: "The loss rekindled nightmare's about all of those times Peyton showed up while he was playing Super Mario Brothers 2 with his friends and threw him on the ground, bending his arm behind his back until he screamed "UNCLE!", all at once humiliating him and ruing any chance of beating Bowser outside of his castle on level 8-4. Bad Times." - F. Shawn
The Superfriends were the theme in 2007, although the website color scheme made my eyes hurt. It really never got off the ground as a theme like Maiden did, but hey, sometimes you win and sometimes you get wrapped in plastic.
Joe ended up winning the bet, but it was a bittersweet moment. At the end of the season, Joe announced he was moving to Washington, DC to live his dream to become Pat Robertson. Coincidentally, Shawn announced he was retiring from bag competition to pursue fatherhood, marriage and general non-douchebaggery (I just saw him the other night and unfortunately, I don't think it's working). This meant we were down two men... what would be in store for the bet? Well, more on that later.
Amazingly, Shawn was Jersey Boy ... for the Lions, the same team he represented the last time he'd had the honor in 2003. Unfortunately, his #12 Jacquez Green Lions jersey didn't survive the move to my new apartment, so he had to go out and buy a new one (check it out in the pic, ewwww). I had the distinct pleasure (? - they went 4-12) of face-painting for my favorite team, and for the second time, Randie was in the bag... As such, the infamous Broward County Schools jersey made another appearance:
Once we got off the subway and headed to our first bar (I believe it was the Village Pourhouse on 3rd Avenue), Shawn bought me an awesome hat that I still have to this day:
Back to the question of what was going to happen to the bet, with Joe and Shawn both moving on to pursue other opportunities. Well, long-time payoff attendee (and husband of Rachel, the bartender who helped start it all) Jason offered to step up and get into the game, which left us one more man to find. As per the rules, Jason had his jersey on and his Wonder Bread bags working:
In a drunken stupor (his, not mine), I was able to convince fellow Gator fan (and douchebag) Ryan to come on board as the fourth man. I think he immediately regretted the decision. He failed with the jersey, but we still indoctrinated him that night...
You may be wondering how our bagman was doing through all of this. Well, suffice it to say that his ballsack was leaking like the Titanic:
In the end, he got his money's worth out of wearing the bag. Rather than try to describe it, I think this picture says a thousand words....
WRITE-UP QUOTE OF THE SEASON: "Lenny Management: When angry about the Raiders, buy Lenny a shot. If head is on bar at time of purchase, lift head, administer shot manually. Angry Silent Lenny should return to Angry Vocal Lenny in about 30 seconds. Much better for moral." - Balzac the Jaws of Life
HONORABLE MENTION: "At this point, the water stopped flowing but the bowl was just a hot, swirling stew of toilet paper and turds." - Joe
What can I say about the 2008 bag season, other than that it was a total, complete, epic failure? We missed or were late on countless write-ups, never got the site done AT ALL, and to this day have still not had a payoff (we're still negotiating that). It wasn't all bad though; there were definitely SOME highlights:
In the end, Ryan won the bet - ON THE STRENGTH OF A TIE, totally unprecedented in bag history - with Jason being the Jersey Boy, Randie in his first-ever face-paint role and me in my second bag. Other than me, the bet was highly competitive - Ryan, Jason and Randie were separated by just 1.5 games. On the other end of the spectrum, I set a record for futility with just 7 wins, and as Jason points out in his Week 4 write-up, for the first time in bag history a contestant had the coaches of both of his teams fired in the first half of the season. Yay, futility! When I do something I go ALL THE WAY!
Well, I hope you've enjoyed the history lesson. Remember to check out the galleries (they're hilarious) and keep coming back for the exciting conclusion of this year's bet!
L.
Buffalo @ Jacksonville ***** BAG GAME *****
Cleveland @ Detroit ***** BAG GAME ***** 
Dallas @ Washington
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
And so it was said, and so it was done. The payoff that year began at Dewey's Flatiron, and Shawn was well-prepared for said revenge. He bought a couple of NFL QB-style wristbands like the one at right, and created an entire playbook of drink elements... so something like "32 Right XL Blue!" translated to "Guinness, in a martini glass, with a cherry and a salted rim." And yeah, I do remember Shawn actually making Stauch order something to that effect. Clearly this was payback for the previous year's episode at Molly's.
