Lenny: October 2009 Archives

Let's start with some bag-related news of the weird. In case you haven't heard, Larry Johnson loves him some twitter.  And some bad rapping.  And some abuse of women. And some dolla dolla bills.  And some homophobic slurs.  The story goes like this: first, LJ goes off on a rant about how his father is more qualified as an NFL coach than Todd Haley (I'm sure you're wondering how that is - oh right! It's because he 'played for the coach from "Remember the Titans"'!). Then, when some randoms on the Internet respond to him negatively, he starts popping off about how much money he's got.  

Dig this exchange:

Jared Launius: Interesting comments by Larry Johnson ( @toonlcon ) about "coaches." Hey LJ, is it Haley's fault you fall when D-Linemen blow on you?

Larry: "@jaredlaunius Sorry ur a cornball n ur mom birthed u broke. But I'm cakn patna. While u work or school for 5 dollas n hour. Ha!"

Jared Launius: "Apologies. His Twitter alias is @toonicon whatever the hell that means. Probably something about spitting in women's faces."

Larry: "@jaredlaunius think bout a clever diss than that wit your fag pic. Christopher street boy. Is what us east coast cats call u."

Even GBID favorite Urban Dictionary doesn't know what a "Christopher Street boy" is, but living in NYC, we get the reference.  Anyway, LJ couldn't just let is end there, after shutting down his Twitter account (surely upon "suggestion" from the team).  No, not your boy LJ! When reporters entered the locker room yesterday, LJ told them he wouldn't talk until Thursday, then allegedly said "Get your faggot asses out of here" under his breath. Stay classy homeboy!

In more bizzaro-world NFL news, apparently Vikings HC Brad Childress dressed up as a female flight attendant on the team's return flight from Pittsburgh.  WTF?!  Word is he'd told his team that they needed to be respectful to flight attendants.  As a reminder, that's Brad Childress on your right.  I just wish I could find a picture of this ugly bastard in drag..... if this is his way of "loosening his team up," expect the Vikes to be tighter than a two-dollar watch during Favre's return to Green Bay next week.

Before we get on with the recaps, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that the Yankees are in the World Series for the first time since 2003.  That kicks ass, but the fact that they're playing Philly is even better.  With Jay-Z and Alicia Keys performing "Empire State of Mind" live before Game 1 and Pedro starting against his Daddies in Game 2, the hype is going to be off the charts.  I expect an absolute zoo in both places, because, you know, Philly fans are well-known for their class.

Without further ado, we continue our return to our roots with the recaps (points for, points against and total TDs scored are the tiebreaker categories)......

Lenny (10-17, PF: 516, PA: 657, TDs: 59)

New Orleans (6-0):  New Orleans is absolutely crushing the competition, and are the undisputed best team in the NFL right now.  Not only did they get a big win on the road this week, they happened to do it against Randie's Fishies, which kept our sidebet tied (I'm not going to bother to mention what happened in that other game).  Shockey had his first 100-yard game since Week 10 of 2007 as the Saints came back from a 21-point hole.  New Orleans has more TDs than all three of my other bag teams combined!

THIS WEEKEND:  ATLANTA FALCONS  Atlanta is a decent team but should be no match for the Saints at the Superdome.  They're coming off a humiliating loss to the previously-reeling Cowboys in Dull-Ass, but their misery isn't over. They'll feel the wrath of the mole. They'll have Hurricanes poured down their shirts, whippets stuffed in their mouths and be unceremoniously dumped in a garbage can on Bourbon Street.  Oh wait, that was me in 1992.

Buffalo (3-4):  Buffalo won their second straight by beating hapless Carolina in Charlotte.  I recently realized Carolina was struggling with Delhomo even as a bag team in the first modern-day iteration of the bet in 2003.  When are they going to figure out that the only question this guy is the answer to is "who's the 00s version of Jay Schroeider"?  Buffalo still hasn't gotten TO involved, but they have 9 picks in their last two games and are winning it with defense.

THIS WEEKEND: HOUSTON  This should actually be a pretty good matchup.  Houston's offense has been playing well so it's the classic irresistible force vs. immovable object scenario (yes, I realize that's a big-time stretch).  Buffalo is the key to my success - if they can go .500, I'm in there like swimwear.

Kansas City (1-6):  KC and the Rainbow Warriors are turning into the embarrassment of my draft.  I knew St. Louis was going to be a clunker, but I was expecting more out of Cassell and the rest of these dopes.  They were thoroughly bitch-slapped by the Chargers, down 20-0 in the 2nd and 27-7 in the 3rd as Vincent Jackson rolled up 142 first-half yards - yikes.

THIS WEEKEND: Bye buy by  Sleep in, boys. Catch a movie. Read a book. Anything but think about how much you suck.

St. Louis (0-6):  What can I say?  They're flat-out terrible.  They've scored a measly 6 TDs all season (one on defense) in 7 games while giving up 27.  Their best chance to get off the schneid was last week in Jax, but they fail.  Repeatedly.  This week Peyton and the Colts anally raped them 42-6.  It could have been worse.

THIS WEEKEND: at Detroit ****** BAG GAME ******  Wait, did I say their best chance was last weekend?  Just when you need a pick-me-up, you look at the schedule and see a trip to visit another bag team, and a really, really bad one at that.  If Detroit still has to trot out Duante Culpepper this weekend, I'm chalking this up as the StL's first win.

Randie (7-19, PF: 391, PA: 637, TDs: 41)

Jacksonville (3-3):  The Jags didn't play this week, which is great because I didn't have to stare at their awful uniforms but sucky because that meant I was without the best fantasy player not named Peterson this week.  Luckily I was playing John Cashin so it didn't matter.

THIS WEEKEND: at Tennessee A matchup of the bag team of today vs. the bag team of tomorrow.  Tennessee shaves nuts for bucks.  Why is Kerry Collins still starting for them?!  Wouldn't ANYONE be a better choice at QB?  I know they broke up with Vince Young, but jeezus, the girl you thought you could lay just blew you off.  Go back to your comfort zone already.

Washington (2-4):  The Redskins are an absolute circus right now.  They've got a retiree calling plays for them (badly), Zorn looks like a deer in the headlights, Portis has begun his regularly-scheduled mid-season slide into oblivion and now they've lost Cooley, their only real weapon, for the season.  Hey Foreskins, while you're down there, could you pop that zit?

THIS WEEKEND: Hookers and blow That's really all that could possibly help right now.

Detroit (1-5):  Detroit is spending most of their time praying Matt Stafford's knee heals, like, yesterday.  They can be dangerous offensively when Stafford is healthy, even though he's a rookie, but with Duante Ballsweater at QB they could lose to Florida State.  They got a week off from getting shellacked this week in preparation for....

THIS WEEKEND: ST. LOUIS ****** BAG GAME ****** The game to watch this weekend!  No, really!  OK, no one in the entire country besides Randie and I give a fuck about this game.  I'm not even sure WE give a fuck.

Cleveland (1-6):  Oh man, I don't even know where to start.  I think they're actually more pathetic than Detroit (although I'll admit, St. Louis is worse).  Props to the Shitstains for waking up my fantasy duo of Aaron Rodgers (15-20/246, 3 TDs) and Ryan Grant (148 and a score).  Apparently Shitstains LB David Bowens ripped of Rodgers' helmet and punched him in the face on the first offensive series (!), but that backfired as the Pack rolled Cleveland 31-3.  Hey Cleveland, you need an RB, right?  I hear Larry Johnson is going to be available soon, he'll fit right in.

THIS WEEKEND:  at Chicago  Battle of the terrible NFC "Norris" foes here.  Chicago was absolutely spanked by Cedric Benson and Cincinnati last week.  Is this game winnable for the Browns?  Er, nope.  I predict things are going to get worse before they get better in Browntown.

That's it for this week.  See you next week with another installment.

Well looky here!  The tables have turned!  All of the sudden, my teams and I aren't so NULL after all!

F. Shawn coined the term, and it's true - this was one hell of a weekend.  Friday night, I braved the elements at Yankee Stadium to watch CC Sabathia and A-Rod shut down the Angels in ALCS Game 1.  It was a late night, but no rest for the weary as I had a barnburner itinerary set for Saturday - I was planning to head up to the so-called "official Florida Gators bar in Manhattan" to watch the #1 Gators take on Arkansas at 3:30, and then immediately back to the Bronx for Game 2 afterwards.

A couple of funny things happened on the way to early Sunday morning.  First of all, Cornerstone has a $30 All-U-Can during the Gator games.... which includes 16oz tallboys of PBR.  Second, the Gators decided they preferred my nuts to take up permanent residence in my mouth (which by the way makes chugging PBRs like they were water in the desert difficult).  Third, somewhere along the line I forgot to eat anything other than my fingernails.

So now it's 7pm, the Gators have just Tebow'd the Razorbacks with a last-minute drive and field goal, and I don't even have time to take a breath - I've got to hoof it uptown.  The subway ride is a PBR-induced blur, and all I remember is settling in with two hands full of $10 beers at my seats in the Grandstand level....

...for what turned out to be one of the craziest games I've ever seen.  Joe "Grady Little" Girardi tried his best to lose the game for us (he would end up succeeding in Game 3), but after 5 hours of maddening but ultimately pie-worthy baseball (and 11 hours of drinking) I stumbled 

out of The House That George Built at 2am, with the Yankees leading 2-0 in the best-of-7 series, the Gators still undefeated and all the hope in the world for a promising Sunday of football.  At this point I was riding the wave.

Since y'all don't seem to feel the need to comment on our efforts on the site - in case you don't know how, there are little numbers next to the author of the post, right underneath the title, just click there - you may have missed my prediction last week about how my bag teams were going to do, but let's just say I had a good feeling.  The Raiders were playing Philly at home, and even after last week's debacle at the Meadowlands, I was cautiously optimistic about their chances (the Fish played bye buy by), and to top it all off, I was playing F. Shawn's undefeated Fitz Funnelers in our fantasy league. Challenging circumstances to be sure, but in the immortal words of the aforementioned Shitzgerald.....

Let's Make It Sporting!

So with that in mind, for old time's sake.... let's do some game reviews!

Eagles 9, RAIDERS 13:  WOW!  The Raiders came out mad after Antonio Pierce flapped his gums on Sirius, saying the game last week against the Giants felt like "a scrimmage."  They absolutely dominated Philly up front, recording the most sacks they've had in a game since 2005 (6).  Former Patsie Richard Seymour had a particularly beastly day with two sacks, four tackles and a forced fumble.  Even though the Eagles averaged 4.8 yards a carry against the league's 30th best run defense, they continued to throw the ball (mostly to no avail) and after the game - brace yourselves - Andy Reid said he was outcoached by Tom Cable.  Andy Reid!  Outcoached!  By Tom Cable!

The best part of the game for me (and most Raiders fans, but especially me) was watching JaMarcus Russell hit Zach Miller in stride on a crossing pattern, then Miller breaking a tackle, then former Gator Louis Murphy throwing two hellacious blocks to spring him for an 86-yard TD (the only one by either team in the game).  You have to watch this!:

Detroit 0, GREEN BAY 26:  The Lions were bad before Matt Stafford got hurt.  But now that they're trotting out .... OMG, DAUNTE FUCKIN' CULPEPPER under center, things have gone from bad to Holy Fuck, I Just Wish The Season Ended Tomorrow.  Detroit hasn't won in Green Bay in 17 years and it doesn't look like that's going to change any time soon.  This team really sucks, but then you don't get in the bag for being a world beater.

St. Louis 20, JACKSONVILLE 23 (OT):  Given how the season started, it's hard to believe I actually had a shot at a perfect week, but there I was, watching this game on Gameday and shouting obscenities at the computer screen.  Although MJD was a monster for my fantasy team, he punished the Rams.  Still, turnovers kept St. Louis in the game, and once they forced OT, I was sure they would win... who'd have thought fucking Josh Scobee would spoil my week!  Fuck you Jags!

NY Giants 27, NEW ORLEANS 48:  What a complete, utter, total BEAT DOWN.  Drew Brees and the Saints stump-fucked Eli and Big Blue, ruining his return to the Big Easy.  The Saints scored early and often, exposing the formerly stout-looking Giants defense as beneficiaries of a weak early-season schedule (and all you readers looking to make a Raiders comment can eat a bowl of hot cock).  At one point Brees had 14 straight completions and finished 23-30 for 368 and four scores.  The Saints look like the best team in the NFL - every year the sun shines on a dog-I-mean-bag team's ass, and it looks like New Orleans is 2009's mutt.

Cleveland 14, PITTSBURGH 27:  Yawn.  I can't imagine actually having wanted to sit through this game, let alone actually doing it (then again, I was at Giants Stadium last weekend).  This game featured a stretch where 5 consecutive drives ended in fumbles.  Cleveland was never in it (shocker!!!), but if it wasn't for four Pittsburgh turnovers this would have looked much, much worse.

KANSAS CITY 14, Washington 6:  This was the real game-changer for my bag weekend.  Kansas City's definitely not good, but Washington is an absolutely horrendous team.  You know it's bad when the front office decides to take a guy who was calling bingo games at a senior center two weeks ago and give him play-calling responsibilities.  Jim Zorn is the definition of lame duck - the only reason Snider is keeping him around is because he doesn't want to pay out his contract.  Todd Haley got his first NFL win, but both offenses were bad - they combined for just 23 first downs, 6 third down conversions and 533 total yards.    Washington, like most of Randie's bag teams, is terrible and actively getting worse.

BUFFALO 16, NY Jets 13 (OT):  This was a crazy game that featured huge interceptions, lots of penalties, critical missed FG attempts and a nasty injury.  Dirty Sanchez threw an incredible 5 picks, which nullified a huge (210 yards, 9.5 ypc) day by Thomas Jones.  Buffalo kicker Ryan Lindell missed a chance to end it as regulation expired, but got his reprieve in overtime to give Buffalo their first win.  After Trent Edwards left with a concussion, journeyman Ryan Fitzpatrick kept the Bills in the game long enough to win it.  Once again, TO was a non-factor - hopefully they'll finally trade him for someone who can make an impact.

I know the Texans and Titans aren't bag teams anymore (although e of them will definitely be back in the bet next year) and this is a football blog, but I couldn't help but mention these three fantastic stories:

• Apparently, one of the Houston offensive linemen pissed himself during the game rather than take himself out.  Now THAT is fucking awesome!
• Jeff Fisher showed up at a fundraiser wearing a Peyton Manning jersey.  The best part?  He said he "just wanted to feel like a winner."  You can't make this shit up.
• Steve Phillips is a real whore.  He had to take a leave of absence while he was the GM of the Mets because he was schtupping an employee.  Now he's got a 22-year old ESPN stalker going to his house to talk to his wife and friending his son on Facebook pretending to be a highschool classmate. I normally wouldn't give two shits about Steve Phillips - listening to him talk makes me feel dumber - but the statements to police are an entertaining read.

NEXT WEEK'S GAMES IN THE BAG

Green Bay Nutsackers @ Cleveland Steamers

San Diego Puftas @ Kansas City Chefs

Indianapolis My Little Ponies @ St. Louis Ramalams

Buffalo Buttburglars @ Carolina Pussycats

New Orleans Breesknees @ Zee Poinsonous Fish

Philadelphia Iggles @ Washington Foreskins

Bye buy by:  Lie-ons, Jiggy-wires

That's it for this week.  I'm working on a surprise for y'all, but it's not quite ready and I don't want to shoot my load early.  Stay tuned.