Week 3
It's only 2009 and we've already survived many theoretical ends of the world. Y2K came and went and the world kept on spinning. No earthquakes or floods or any of that wrath of gee-ooo-deee stuff. In fact ever since Jesus left us there have been repeated citations (about every 50 years) of an impending apocalypse. As early as 44 AD, a dude named Theudas declared himself the Messiah, and took 400 followers into the desert with him. T-dog ended up getting beheaded by Roman soldiers. Who's your messiah now, see? I researched a bunch of them but I found a book called the Jupiter Effect quite interesting. Two scientists wrote this book about planetary alignment. Every 179 years the planets all end up on the same side of the sun. In 1982, not only were they on the same side but were within 95 degrees of alignment with each other (not perfectly aligned). The authors believed that in the same way the moon pulls on the tides, the weighted gravitation of all the planets would create: 1) A disturbed magnetic activity in the sun, producing huge firestorms; 2) That the ionosphere of earth will be changed; 3) That radio and television communications will be disrupted; 4) That there will be weird lighting effects from aurora borealis; 5) There will be vast changes in wind patterns; 6) Rainfall and temperature patterns will change; 7) Earth's rotation, and the length of the days may change; 8) Many earthquakes will occur. You can imagine what this kind of information could do to society. Well there were a few tremors in Southern California that week which sent a bunch of crystal humpers in the Mojave running for their rotary phones. However these two clowns pretty much became the laughing stock of the scientific community and as you know, most scientists have a terrible sense of humor. In fact one of the authors of the Jupiter Effect has withdrawn his support of the 1974 book as well as apologized repeatedly for Olivia Newton-John's 1982 solo album, specifically the song Physical. So the list goes on but it was an ancient civilization that called it out first. The Mayans have never been more than a few minutes off about anything and their calendar ends in 2012. Eeeeeveryone's got their panties in a bunch over this date. I must also mention Nostradamus' prediction that the end would happen in 1999. Well sorry Mayans, sorry Nostradude, I don't think we'll have to wait till 2012. The end may be coming soon. How? A little something I'm calling the Leonard Effect (Year of the El). Let's take a look: The Raiders, despite their 1-2 record, look like they have a future. I'm actually writing an email to Tony Sparano encouraging him to sock all his assitant coaches in the kisser. Boy that Tom Cable is a Kanye West Douche. The Raider don't look like poop... the Dolphins do. LH definitely drafted better Bag teams than I did. His fantasy teams actually look pretty good. He's ahead in the side bet. Most of all, he finally beat his wifey's Fantasy team in Week 2! Coincidence? This guy got skunked two years ago with no write ups and I think he had two all of last year. I know this all premature but I'm scared baglovers and you should be too!
Either way it will be a peculiar year in bagdom. It may be unfair for me to equate Len's success with the world's demise but TFB. It's my write up!
Bag it! Bag it? Bag like you want it!
Pennington out! Say hello to Tyler Thigpen.
Thigpen's high school nickname was Pigpen. LULZ. Should have been skull fucker. Now he's some sort of necropheliac? What the hell is he doing to that skeleton? Actually that skeleton is his ex-girlfriend and local KC TV personality Holly Starr (holy porn name). His bedroom ennui (comparative to his pocket prowess) unfortunately accelerated her aging process but he still likes to get his. I thought for sure it would be the year of the Henne but apparently Big Tuna has something against Ballchinians. I guess it could be worse, Jeff Garcia is available again.
Henne keeps a box of tissues handy to wipe the butt on his chin.
Henne will get the start against Buffalo this week so we'll see what we see. As for Chad, well, next time we see him will be in the broadcast booth. That guy's up for his 5 millionth shoulder surgery and at 33 it may be hard to go Uncle L with the comeback (again).
I have to give a shout out to Detroit for finally getting on track! I had a feeling when I drafted them that good things were coming their way. Then again I've been known to be wrong, repeatedly. I watched no NFL on Sunday but it was worth it because I was attending Rachel and Jason wedding in the Slope. They looked great! Awesome time, great food, drinks and company so let's all send out a big congratulations to the happy couple. The only close bag game this weekend was Jax holding out against all time bag team Houston. New Orleans was the only other bag team to get a win so I've actually climbed up and am only one win behind the son of satan.
This week's hot bag action:
Detroit at Chicago
Detroit can with this with a typical Cutler bed-shitting.
Cincinnati at Cleveland
Cleveland has scored 29 points and given up 95 in three games.
NY Giants at Kansas City
I am so glad I don't have this team.
Tampa Bay at Washington
Very win-able for the foreskins
NY Jets at New Orleans
Game of the week. Let's see how Dirty Sanchez matches up agaist Brees
Buffalo at Miami
Fish get off the schneid this week.
St. Louis at San Francisco
St. Louis is my KC
Tennessee at Jacksonville
Hey if the Jets can do it? Kerry Collins is so old he used to rock Tea and Trumpets on Nebuchadnezzar's nose.
Side Bet
As many of you know L and I have a side bet. Whoever gets more wins between the Dolphins and the Raiders wins. Last year we killed it in KC. This year we're going to Tennessee for a Dolphins game in December. If you have nothing better to do you should come for no good reason. We'll be rocking in Nashville on December 20th, donning our traditional "I won a bet, i lost a bet" signage.
Other Sporting News!
Yankees clinched the division and home field throughout. Looking very much forward to some post season baseball in the new digs.
Newsflash!
Kyle Farnsworth sucks.
Later.
R
